[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
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My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT