Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
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Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.