If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
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Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
May your day taste like creamy soup.
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
I was just discussing this with my cat
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
Birds & Planes.
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…