MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
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Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
This is a true ally.
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
.
.
.
.
.
.
A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]