If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
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People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
Writing, She Murdered.
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio