*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
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I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
I thought this was funny lol
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls