Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
You Might Also Like
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?