Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
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girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
Yesterday, I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at our local park.
Yes that’s right
She sells c cells down by the seesaw!
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
Just got to our Airbnb!
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say