I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
You Might Also Like
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
I think I’m having a stroke
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver