5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
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Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”
I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
I got high and hid snacks from myself, this is the worst scavenger hunt ever
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!