growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
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*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
Easy enough.
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”