Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
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*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.