That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
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You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
I’ve had relationships like this
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not