My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
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Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that