If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
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Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
*bites zombie*
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!