I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
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“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis