The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
You Might Also Like
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
The game has officially changed 😎
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS