When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
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Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!