Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
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Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard