My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
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Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices