My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
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Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.