Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
You Might Also Like
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
December birthdays be like…
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
#Caturday
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.