The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
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Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!