Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
You Might Also Like
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
I don鈥檛 have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet鈥攈ell, I’m willing to say it鈥擨 bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 馃く OMG yes! Now you have my attention
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymn贸s” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
I think I鈥檓 getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can鈥檛 wait.
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
There鈥檚 nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer