What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
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[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma