ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
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Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help