I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
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Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
This line from Airplane.
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
Doug is just Canadian for dog
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.