My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
You Might Also Like
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”