The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
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Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
Real House Wines.
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
lot going on here, legally speaking.
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.