“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
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Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
Me quickly texting my 80-something-year-old dad about his 80-something-year-old friend.
‘Hi, dad, just had a lovely chat with your friend, Paul!’
Realising later that I’d actually texted, ‘Hi, dad, just had a love child with your friend, Paul!’
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
Owl Sanctuary
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!