I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
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Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
men, we mow at sunrise.
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
giddy up Office Depot
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.