I only look at Wordle for the articles
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My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
God has abandoned us.
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
God making man in his image was the original selfie
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
Heroic Misunderstanding
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.