Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
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They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.