there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
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[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
there’s probably a fee though
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
Erm I’m gonna say no
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.