A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
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If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
liiiiiiiiike
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.