12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
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Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
fly smarter, not harder
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.