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6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
classic mixup
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds