Pretty much. 🤣
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him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
Woke up with morning Yule Log
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.