i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
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“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
that’s really how it is
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.