Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
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There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called