Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
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Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
What a kind woman! 😂😂
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.