In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
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“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
Pass gas, not judgment.
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
translated into Canadian
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are