Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
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Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
My wife gives the best headache.