In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
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Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it