Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
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Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
wow he looks just like him
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
ok this is my dumbest yet