Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
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The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
The French cow says MEUX…
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
But I really needed water water water
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.