You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
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“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
I support this random dude and all his protests
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.