Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
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Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
I have a type: disappointing
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.