When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
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American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.