Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
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No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
*puts words between two asterisks*
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
Intelligence is the new cleavage
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.